Accepting My Saturn Return

Published February 13, 2022.

Baby Jefferson 12 years before Saturn came home to roost. According to astrologists, the Saturn return is the phenomenon of Saturn returning to the same ecliptic position that it occupied at the moment of our birth. While the common understanding is that Saturn will return around your 30th birthday, the influence of such is said to start a few years before with the possibility and lasting a few years after it's landed. As this is something, said to happen two to three times in a persona's life (every 30 years of course), symbolically, this is seen as the true beginning of adulthood. Or at the very least, adult-like thinking.

I’ve known about the notion of a Saturn return since I was in my early twenties when my first older friend turned 30. Ever since then, I’ve been curious and a bit nervous about what it would look like for someone like me. I’m incredibly Tauren and a poster child for The American Dream - parents grew up poor in the South, got educated in public schools, married, started a business, bought a house, had 2 kids, sent them to college, and now here i am. All that to say that I’m a stubborn Southern man who was raised on a conveyor belt of Christian gentility and American respectability and I’ve pretty much known who I was going to be since I was 14 years old. I spent all of high school and college with the same friends, dating the same type of people, believing the same things, etc.

The idea that I’d turn 30 and my approach would be noticeably different was just something that I didn’t really see coming. I am a big believer in astrology but I just couldn’t picture it. In a twisted turn of fate, my two-year pre-Saturn timeline hit with the beginning of COVID, “The Summer of Uprising” and the growth of my marketing agency. Needless to say, it has been full of much reflection. firstly of myself, but also the world around me. I’ve written pretty openly about the changes that have happened over the past couple of years but to recap, I ended relationships with my two closest and oldest friends, closed my marketing agency, and virtually stopped dating.

And while I know that all of those things sound extreme, they came naturally and pretty exclusively. Slowly but surely, and one at a time, I stop holding on to things that I knew and instead started making choices that felt good and progressive for me at the moment. Many times they were in direct contrast to everything I’d ever said that I wanted and even to who I said I was. I recently took stock of how much my life has changed and felt a weird sense of imposter syndrome and hypocrisy. I’ve spent the better part of a decade, screaming to the mountain tops that I knew who I was and that I believed in my choices, and now, I'm changing my mind. The guilt and the dramatics of that shift weigh on me daily and create a cognitive dissonance so wide, I feel like I could run through it and scream.

As part of my selfzwork and growth process, I’ve been trying to define myself for myself. Hoping to determine if my choices were mistakes or necessities. Going through old journals, revisiting old memories, and trying to anchor my spirit, my mind, and my heart in one singular place so that I could close the gap of how I feel and how I act. Part of that experiment has been re-reading some of my favorite books including their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston. At this point, I've probably read this book 6 or seven times, but I am always struck by two lines:

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”

“Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the same horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men”

These moments in her work are striking on their own, but when you think of them in relation to each other, it’s almost haunting. Both passages possess an ominous clarity that for me, has been a guiding force. I can only stand where I am. And wherever it is that I am standing, I have to be willing to feel the ground underneath my feet and accept that place. Whether or not it’s where I want to be or if I’m lost, that is where I am. And perhaps the steps after that will be different or maybe they’ll be the same.

Accepting my Saturn return is to explore the discomfort and at times contradictions that it brings. To feel comfortable knowing that I can be standing in a year that is meant to ask questions and see my dreams ahead of me only to move forward and receive the answer that my dream is not a plausible reality. And that has to be ok. And hopefully, at the end of this journey, I will be blessed with the discernment and serenity to know and accept the difference.

I used to think that growth was more transactional. That if I put in work on Monday, I would receive progress on Friday. Instant gratification. But now I’m starting to think that the emotional and mental growth I'm seeking is more similar to biology rather than economics. Slowly or quickly, things will happen, and I won't notice it until it’s already happened. I can't feel myself growing. I can only notice that it has happened. And much like a teenager going through puberty, I’m not quite sure when the growth will stop. So I will simply continue to ask the questions that arise and accept the answers for what they are…contextual.