Bro, Don't Drink Shame Me

Alcohol as an identifer or as a tribe seems like a very American concept - I could be wrong. The idea that you can pair alcoholic beverages with different personalities, social events and even age groups is quite frankly a brilliant marketing strategy by the industry as a whole but also... it's bullshit. Who decided that a tequila sunrise was not masculine enough for Sunday Night Football. Secondly, who decided that beer was all the rage? It's not even good.

Ever since I can remember, I've been judge for my drink choices. When I was young, I was told that my fruity cocktails and flavored martinis were incredibly gay. Then when I went to college and gained what I refer to as my "man - meat" and started drinking red wine and whiskey, I became a douchebag. First and foremost, I have the time today so excuse me if I seem petty. Secondly, my red wine, my whiskey neat and even my pear cider has more alcohol than your weak ass artisanal beer. So yeah. Who's the bro now?

Moreover, why do you caaaaaaaarrrreeeeeee? Like let me live. Let me feel my oats. Let thrive in a sea of acid-reflux inducing drinks that remind me of home. I don't judge you for burping in your girlfriends face or the fact that you're drinking your fizzy shit water from a non-JAWBREAKING coozy... with a bad pun. Don't come for me unless I send for you. Your inability to understand that I am both Olivia Pope and Fitzgerald Grant at the same time is further proof that you're not on my level and your opinion means nothing.