Bald by Choice, Why I Took the Plunge

March 26, 2018

 Male pattern baldness is more common than a college degree. By the age of 50, 85% of men will deal with it on some level. A little less common, is the development of MPB in your younger years. By the age of 35, only 66% of men will experience some degree of “appreciable hair loss”. Personally, my relationship with hair is complicated.  I started losing my hair in high school. Not sure how, considering my grandpa had a full head a luscious grey kinks until the day he died and you supposedly get your hair gene from your X-chromosome.

That beign said, growing up with pictures of my dad’s hairline doing a full Uncle Phil on his college graduation day, I was always aware that it could happen to me. Foolishly, I believed that my X-chromosome would show up and do his job. 

 


When a 10th grade aerial Facebook picture showcased where my hairline was headed, I immediately ran to my mother and demanded professional help. Does our HMO cover this?

The doctor quickly recommended a rigorous regiment of Rogaine and Propecia to stop the loss in its tracks. The cocktail worked, however I soon discovered that my penis … did not. Apparently Propecia has a side effect of major ED and no one told me. I tried to hold on because as a good Christian child, I wasn’t having sex anyway. Eventually, however, my hoe gene grew and I grew tired of not being able to control my doodool tala. Next thing you know, I quit the drugs and grabbed the razor. And that’s how and when I decided.

The time to shave your head is as soon as your ability to execute your desired hairstyle is affected by your inability to control MPB.

After you go bald, you immediately think you’re going saving money because you’re not at the barbershop every week for a shape up. American Express assures me, that is a lie.


I definitely spend more on razors and various other cosmetics to keep my dome slicker than a sneaker than I would if I let “pookie-and-dem” line up my edges. That being said, the bald look is well worth the money as it is always a conversation piece and a nice trick to get hot strangers to pet you. It also keeps people from knowing how old you are. Granted that mattered more in college when I was sneaking into the Boom Boom Room during fashion week. At this point, I’m mistaken for my mother’s husband more than I’d care to admit. Update, I’m now considering a lace-front.

If you decide to join the bald by choice club, there are a few things you must consider and rules to follow. For those of you with receding hairlines, I recommend you make the leap sooner rather than later so it’s less obvious (perhaps you shouldn’t blog about it) and for those of you just looking for a change, I say go for it. If you don’t like it your hair will grow back…. Lucky Bastards.

CONSIDER

1. The Shape of Your Head – a lumpy noggin or egg-shaped skull takes your Mr. Clean fashion statement into a weird movie alien-type space. No Bueno.

2. Frequency of the Shave – You will HAVE to shave everyday or wear a hat on your lazy days so that the world doesn’t know that you’re secretly hiding a Prince William.

3. Cost of the LEWK – My razors run me about $22 per buy and last me about a month if I keep hat looks on rotation. My shaving cream is drug store so it’s typically under $10. My after-shave is Chanel – to match my cologne – so it’s runs a bit high. I also use drug store razor bump prevention which again… 10 bucks. So all in all if you sacrifice your Chanel and strategize your hat collection, your bald bill is under $50 bucks a month. Your hat bill however… is not.

So go forth my genetically cursed friend. Shave your head!

Stand out from the crowd!

But first… rub for luck.

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