To the Survivors of Retrograde

April 15, 2018


I want to start off by saying congratulations - you’ve made it! The computers can be updated, feel free to try your hand at negotiating that contract, and I guess you can send that risky text to your ex, Chad. Oh? You already did? Well then... It’s all on you now.


I’d like to preface this celebration with a question. When did we start caring about this shit? How and why did  a normal occurrence in the world become an internet obsession and a scapegoat for all of our bad decisions? Has it been fueled by our newly discovered obsession with being “woke”? Have we really reached the Age of Aquarius where our consciousness has ascended to a new level? Do you even know what that means? Do you care? Could it be that religious dogma has worn down the psyches of the 90’s babies (and the lesser cool millenials) and we’ve started to look beyond the pulpit and began to seek guidance from the true source - the cosmos? Whatever the case may be, congratulations, you survived. But do you even understand what you’ve survived? Because I feel like maybe you don’t. Assuming I’m right, let’s start at the beginning - Where the hell is Mercury? Why the fuck is it spinning backwards?


Firstly, Mercury is a planet. Planets live in the sky. Let’s move on. A simple assessment of the word suggests it has something to do with the past or going backwards...RETROgrade. Or so you thought. In reality, Mercury is never actually orbiting backwards, it  only gives the appearance of doing so. What’s really happening is Mercury is orbiting so fast that by the time we surpass her it appears as if she’s moving backwards (all powerful forces are feminine. Deal with it).This phenomenon last for about three weeks, then everything appears normal again in the ‘verse. Beware though! Mercury’s has one last trick up her sleeve and it’s called “the shadow period”. Essentially, the drama isn’t over for a few more weeks (until May 4th), but the intensity is over, so you’ll manage. You don’t really have a choice.


Now that we’ve tackled the basics, you’re probably wondering “okay.. But what does this have to do with Chad not responding to my drunk declaration of love?!”. Well, Karen, no one told you to become backslider of the year and text him. He’s obviously a Fuckboy. When will you learn? DAMN IT KAREN! Also, we have a golden rule, astrology lovers … ‘as above, so below’. Basically, if there is a quake up there you better believe we’ll feel the aftershock down here. Mercury’s domain is communication of any kind - speaking, listening, negotiating, learning, editing, selling, and buying. Also under the control (or mercy) of Mercury these last few weeks?  CODES! All codes. Of any kind,literally. Which is why there are so many travel advisories. LISTEN KAREN! Mercury also rules contracts of all sorts. That new bitch of a roommate that moved in last week? Yeah, go ahead and release your side eye in 3, 2, 1. Sigh. Doesn’t that feel nice? Let’s continue.

Since it’s apparent that you let this floating piece of debris wreak havoc on the business side of life, did your love life at least escape unscathed? Taking that as a no.. because Chad. You really should have checked in with us sooner. If you had, I would’ve told you that mercury’s retrograde is known to bring up the whole graveyard of lovers past. This was your test, your ONLY test and did you pass? Honestly, no. But that’s ok! We usually don’t. There is no fool proof way to escape the clutches of Mercury and her retrograde - she comes for us all that relentless bitch. It is what it is and we live to tell the stories. And since what it is, is a hot fucking mess… I’ll leave you with this: 3 jewels to my fellow survivors. May they illuminate your path if only to see when the next retrograde begins and peril follows.


Review, Edit, and Review Again!

Too often Mercury wins through our faults. If you made money moves during this retrograde I would highly advise that those details be revisited now that the stars (and planets) have realigned. Contracts, deals, proposals, all of which can have waaayyy more shortcomings when penned or accepted during the retrograde.

Case of the Ex.

Mercury causes us to rehash old shit. Your ex falls into that category. Now whether Chad hit you up or it’s you daydreaming about yesteryears understand that this may not be you, but a cosmic interference. Now, I’m not telling you your ex is trash (he is), but what I am saying is they’re in the trash for a reason. If you or the ex reached out to each other and rekindled a bit during the retrograde, reassess it now that the retrograde goggles are off.

Real Talk.

With mercury being the planet of communication misunderstandings galore is a huge possibility. Now is the time to tell your friends their shit stinks without it being taken in the worst way possible. Now is the time to tell your coworkers to mind their own business - it’ll still be rude, but now you know it’s just you and not Mercury’s influence. This all goes to say now that Mercury is out of retrograde, you can stop worrying about the planetary influence over your miscommunications and start trusting your intuition (real talk: taking full responsibility for your actions).

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