So you’ve done the work. You journaled, set intentions, created your vision board, prayed, whatever it is you do, to prepare for the new love you want to attract. Now, you say, it’s time to let the magic happen because as they say ‘spelling is a spell’. With nothing more than your sheer belief and patience with the universe, you ride the wave - until it happens.
You meet a guy.
And not just any guy. He’s attentive, invigorating, consistent, and caring. He sends the good morning texts, he makes you feel wanted, and he’s like kinda cute? So you’re like okay, okay we did it. Thank you, sweet baby, Jesus/Buddha/Venus. However, to your dismay you will soon learn he’s a little, how can I say this.. emotionally remote? Your partner could be linked to that of an exotic island, waiting for your arrival, however getting there is a bitch. So basically he’s a Grenadine island. A little different from emotionally unavailable, he’s not Atlantis. Gone and lost forever, the stuff legends are made of. No, you see he just needs more time.
He’s had his fair share of relationships and the heartache that comes along with their demise .. so he says (let’s not go there). The tricky part about this situation isn’t the fact that he may be lying, but the exact opposite.. he could be telling the truth. However, contrary to popular belief that’s a personal problem of HIS, not yours. Rather than try to discern if you’re dealing with a fuckboy or a complicated soul, perhaps you do a little self - reflection.
As someone who is in a constant state of “doing the work”, I understand that sometimes the work is confusing. It’s messy. And quite frankly, it’s painful. So in an attempt to figure out my own life’s mess, I’ve picked up a few things which I like to call my 3 jewels if he needs time:
CALL HIM, NOT HER
Before you go calling your homegirl complaining about all the fuckboi’s out there, talk to him and more importantly LISTEN to him. Put down the phone and absorbs his words. What exactly is he telling you? Does he need time? Ok… for what? To commit to a new relationship? To fully fall for someone? Before he’s willing to trust another person? Or is he just continuously hitting you with the ever vague and elusive TIME? Once you’ve truly heard ya man out, it’s up to you decide if he’s being real. Use your intuitive listening skills. Trust yourself and most of all trust your man. Trust is the building block to a relationship boo boo. As quiet as it’s kept the cliches are true. If however, you find yourself unable to trust your potential beau then you should just stop reading this immediately because it’s looking like a left swipe on Tinder. Secondly, if your man can’t engage in a mature conversation that shows that he is willing to communicate what’s actually going on with him, don’t string yourself along. That’s how you end up celebrating a 1-year situationship and you don’t know whether Y'all should go to Cheesecake Factory or if he’ll be over at 10:30 pm with a 7/11 slurpee. That makes you stupid. And while we have ALL have known or been that girl, we simply must do better.
CHECK YOUR CALENDAR
Sis, at this point you have to decide do YOU have the time. It’s possible that he’s a good catch, but if you’ve met him during a sticky self-pitying, gigolo, Drake-esque era - hang it up. You may be entering yourself into a race with no foreseeable finish line and honey, that’s just not on the to-do list. Your time is your most precious resource and should be spent with intention. I’m going to be transparent to with you right now, in this type of dating you can easily become an option instead of the choice and you must be honest with yourself and realize you are opening the door for that. As the prize you are, never ever allow yourself to be taken lightly. There’s a first place for a reason. If at any moment you feel things have embarked on this path, exit left and do not look back.
INVEST IN BOUNDARIES
I find that in our society, you meet young women who can define the term but have no idea what it means to actually apply it to their romantic relationships or their day-to-day lives. If the choice has been made to take things slow, you must make the choice to s l o w l y give yourself away. Women, being the nurturing, loving souls we are can forget this little tidbit, throwing all inhibitions to the wind. But please, please, pleeeease remember that at this point in the relationship, that wind can drop you just as quickly as it swooped you up because there is no foundation. Let boundaries save you from that internal scar. Take time with yourself and choose how those boundaries will manifest in your ‘ship. Maybe it’s no sleeping over, maybe it’s only weekend visits, who knows. Nevertheless, once the boundaries are in place you need to utilize them. I know it sounds difficult now, but it might just save you a few tears and a few pounds down the road.